At last..

I have left Charlie. I hopped a plane with Riley and we're at my moms. That's when the secrets started coming out. 6 women in 7yrs. That's how many times he's cheated on me. I'm not so much hurt as I am pissed. I'm angry. He made my life hell for the things i had done while we weren't together. All the while, he had these secrets. He was playing me and using me. I'm the joke? I'm the whore? Sorry sweetie.. that crown in firmly on your head. You disgust me. I never want to see you again. Anything that has to do with the kid can be done through the lawyers.

that ominous feeling

So things have gone from bad, to worse. My husband is now a hallucinating drunk that strives to embarrass me in front of our friends. He now wont let me use his phone to call my own mother. He screens the incoming calls for me via voice mail. He is working to further isolate me than what i already am. It's scary.

Last week, out of 7 days 3 of those he came home completely hammered. I'm so tired of the continuously blatant disrespect that is shown to me by my "husband".. The reasons for leaving, or even for staying for that matter, are all becoming moot points. They're all falling away as minor details now. The biggest question now is do I respect myself enough to stop this treatment?  Do I have such little self-respect that i just allow someone that CLAIMS they love me to treat me like dirt? Do I love myself more than him? Do I even love him anymore? Do I love my child more than my husband and can I show her that it's not okay to let people treat you like trash?

....RAGE...

So, I've started therapy. Of course, I was put on medication. I go once a week to try and untangle the web of my past. HA. Things with the husband have gotten worse and worse. Everything is starting to boil down to this one question: do I respect myself enough to make a stand and end the degrading treatment? It all feels so hopeless, like it's never going to get any better. I feel like I'm stuck in a whirlpool and there are no edges for me to try and grab onto. I can't even try to swim parallel to the shore, like in a riptide. I'm slowly being sucked out to sea and there's nothing I can do about it. Even if I try and free myself from it, there's no escape and it's just a matter of time before my strength starts to fail. The only person I really have to talk to is my therapist. I just... I hate my life. I feel so desolate. Everyone tells me I need to get away. Oh, if only it were so easy. I'm losing myself and I don't know if I'll be able to regain any of it when (and IF) I make it through this.

The thunder rolls..

I wish I could get rid of the tension in my stomach. The feeling like I'm forever doing something wrong. I imagine this is how an animal would feel as it braces for the storm of the century. I'm shaking and nauseous. I feel like.. ????????????????????????? I just wish I knew. I can't even BEGIN to describe how frustrating it is to be emotionally retarded.

if i don't understand it, i doubt you will either.

So it's times like these (when i'm ALL alone) that i feel the emotions build up inside of me. What emotion(s) are they/it? I have no idea. I just know that it's there and it needs to go away. I know one of them; it's depression. Why am I depressed? I don't know. What triggers it? I don't know. How do I get rid of it? I don't know.

Things I do know:
1) I hate that I feel out of control.
2) I can't wait to start therapy and/or medication for the anxiety and anger.
3) I'm optimistic about the future, because it can only go up from here.

Everything Changes

So my husband and I are supposed to be "working on things".. "taking things slow".. it doesn't feel like anything is going slow... It feels like I'm being rushed into something I may not want. It always seems like when I give an inch he takes the whole country. He takes advantage of the fact that I want intimacy but won't go outside of our marriage. I'm trying to keep my head clear of outside influence while all this is going on, but it's REALLY hard.

This shit is hard enough with just me in my head.

scared senseless

So as it is now, my husband and I split up. He's currently packing his belongings. How do i feel about this? It depends on which way you look at it.

 First, I feel like a failure. I feel like i've just become a statistic on single mothers. I feel like I let my child down. She's always going to look at me and ask why her father isn't there. How do I explain things to her so she'll understand? She's so confused and my husband is not helping the matter at all. I'm the one that tried to sit and explain to her that even though we still love each other, we need some time to figure out what we want. I try to explain to her that I'll always do what's best for her; even if she doesn't see it right away, I always will.

Next, comes the relief. Maybe now we'll both get the help we need. Me especially. Maybe now I can start to find myself again. Now i don't have to deal with constantly being talked down to and manipulated. He may not realize he does these things, but I do. This is my chance to see if I'm able to be on my own. I think I can do it. I have a line on a job making REALLY good money and i would set my own hours.

I'm not really that upset about being split up. Except for how it affects my child, it really doesn't bother me. If anything, I'll have more freedom because he'll be taking our kid every other weekend.

But for now, I'm optimistic on my future for the first time in a long time. We'll just have to see how everything goes, won't we?