The thunder rolls..

I wish I could get rid of the tension in my stomach. The feeling like I'm forever doing something wrong. I imagine this is how an animal would feel as it braces for the storm of the century. I'm shaking and nauseous. I feel like.. ????????????????????????? I just wish I knew. I can't even BEGIN to describe how frustrating it is to be emotionally retarded.

if i don't understand it, i doubt you will either.

So it's times like these (when i'm ALL alone) that i feel the emotions build up inside of me. What emotion(s) are they/it? I have no idea. I just know that it's there and it needs to go away. I know one of them; it's depression. Why am I depressed? I don't know. What triggers it? I don't know. How do I get rid of it? I don't know.

Things I do know:
1) I hate that I feel out of control.
2) I can't wait to start therapy and/or medication for the anxiety and anger.
3) I'm optimistic about the future, because it can only go up from here.

Everything Changes

So my husband and I are supposed to be "working on things".. "taking things slow".. it doesn't feel like anything is going slow... It feels like I'm being rushed into something I may not want. It always seems like when I give an inch he takes the whole country. He takes advantage of the fact that I want intimacy but won't go outside of our marriage. I'm trying to keep my head clear of outside influence while all this is going on, but it's REALLY hard.

This shit is hard enough with just me in my head.