I feel like I'm going to explode. Why? No clue. None what-so-ever. I'm tired, but I feel like I need to get out and do something. But I want to go to sleep. Decisions decisions..
But really.. have you ever had a thought so.. horrible, for lack of a better word, that you didn't even want to admit to yourself that you had it? Am I wrong for having those thoughts? I feel like I'm walking through quicksand; but the more I stand still, the faster I sink. Le Sigh..
Friday, October 21, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
hefty hefty hefty
This next entry is very shallow and callous of me. I understand that and I'm forewarning you.
I absolutely love that every girl that I went to school with, got HUGE after having their first child. It kind of seems like karmas way of punching them in the face! Every single female that was a bitch to me has gained at least 30+ lbs after having their kid. I have had people that I haven't seen since junior high come up to me in disbelief that I've actually lost weight since I had my daughter. So now while I sit back and just laugh at these bitches I can't help but feel slightly smug.
I went out with some friends this past weekend and some one that went to school with my older brother didn't even recognize me. Once I explained who I was, he kind of looked me up and down with a "daaaaaaaaaammn" kind of look and said, " you really grew up didn't you?!!?" I can't even begin to describe how good that made me feel.
I absolutely love that every girl that I went to school with, got HUGE after having their first child. It kind of seems like karmas way of punching them in the face! Every single female that was a bitch to me has gained at least 30+ lbs after having their kid. I have had people that I haven't seen since junior high come up to me in disbelief that I've actually lost weight since I had my daughter. So now while I sit back and just laugh at these bitches I can't help but feel slightly smug.
I went out with some friends this past weekend and some one that went to school with my older brother didn't even recognize me. Once I explained who I was, he kind of looked me up and down with a "daaaaaaaaaammn" kind of look and said, " you really grew up didn't you?!!?" I can't even begin to describe how good that made me feel.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
^drowning^
So as I was venting to a friend of mine today, we both said a word that describes the way I feel lately: drowning.. It feels like no matter how hard I try to make my life better, I can't. I kind of feels like I'm swimming against a riptide.
On top of that, it seems like my bipolar is out of control lately. My moods swing so wildly they even scare me. Nothing seems like it's helping either. I can see myself spiraling down this whirl pool and there's nothing I can do... I'm just so angry all the time.. I don't want to be like that for my daughter though. So i'm seriously considering going to see a therapist. But then, on the other side, I feel like a failure because I need to be medicated to be able to deal with my life. I'm becoming so apathetic that it scares me. I have my friends worried sick.. I'm just so afraid. I know that change is coming, it just can't come soon enough!
On top of that, it seems like my bipolar is out of control lately. My moods swing so wildly they even scare me. Nothing seems like it's helping either. I can see myself spiraling down this whirl pool and there's nothing I can do... I'm just so angry all the time.. I don't want to be like that for my daughter though. So i'm seriously considering going to see a therapist. But then, on the other side, I feel like a failure because I need to be medicated to be able to deal with my life. I'm becoming so apathetic that it scares me. I have my friends worried sick.. I'm just so afraid. I know that change is coming, it just can't come soon enough!
Friday, October 7, 2011
Fast Forward
I wish I had one of those remotes that control time. I just want to fast forward through the next couple months. Its soooooo hard to be patient when you're so close to getting everything you've ever wanted...
And not even the big things that I want. I'll finally be able to watch the "dorky" movies that I like without being made fun of. I'll be able to sit and read a book because I won't have to constantly pick up after a grown man and the spare kids we always have here. If it's just me and Riley, I can keep my house clean. I've done it before when He was working out of town. My house was SPOTLESS until He came home. I'll be able to listen to what ever kind of music I want. Hell, I'll be able to wear shorts, or a skirt! I'll be able to go on vacation or just hang out with friends. I'm just so anxious to have it all that it's making me irritable.
It's getting so hard to pretend that I'm happy....
And not even the big things that I want. I'll finally be able to watch the "dorky" movies that I like without being made fun of. I'll be able to sit and read a book because I won't have to constantly pick up after a grown man and the spare kids we always have here. If it's just me and Riley, I can keep my house clean. I've done it before when He was working out of town. My house was SPOTLESS until He came home. I'll be able to listen to what ever kind of music I want. Hell, I'll be able to wear shorts, or a skirt! I'll be able to go on vacation or just hang out with friends. I'm just so anxious to have it all that it's making me irritable.
It's getting so hard to pretend that I'm happy....
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
~*Closer to my dreams*~
So today was a GIANT step in direction of getting what I need. I went to my SSI appointment!
The woman handling my case is a surprisingly sweet old black lady by the name of D (at least that's how she spelled it on my paperwork). She's trying to get me as much as she can; through different loopholes and such. She said there was a way for me to file under my dads name, who is deceased and (obviously) never filed, because I technically became disabled when I was a minor. So, if that goes through they can only back pay me for 6 months; but i'll still get $5,000. If that doesn't go through, I'll get $670 and some change from SSI and Disability.
For those of you that have no clue about the Social Security system, the day I filed my claim is the day they have to start paying me from. Even if I have to fight for a couple years, they still have to pay me from September of 2011. So, since the date I filed to today, i've already accrued almost $4000 in back pay!
Sooooooooooo, this means that by the time my knee surgery is done and i've been seen by the dreaded SSI doctors, I should have no problem (fingers crossed) getting my disability! Then, pay off some bills, a new car maybe and i'm gone!
The woman handling my case is a surprisingly sweet old black lady by the name of D (at least that's how she spelled it on my paperwork). She's trying to get me as much as she can; through different loopholes and such. She said there was a way for me to file under my dads name, who is deceased and (obviously) never filed, because I technically became disabled when I was a minor. So, if that goes through they can only back pay me for 6 months; but i'll still get $5,000. If that doesn't go through, I'll get $670 and some change from SSI and Disability.
For those of you that have no clue about the Social Security system, the day I filed my claim is the day they have to start paying me from. Even if I have to fight for a couple years, they still have to pay me from September of 2011. So, since the date I filed to today, i've already accrued almost $4000 in back pay!
Sooooooooooo, this means that by the time my knee surgery is done and i've been seen by the dreaded SSI doctors, I should have no problem (fingers crossed) getting my disability! Then, pay off some bills, a new car maybe and i'm gone!
Monday, October 3, 2011
"that" feeling
So I guess I'm just going to use this as an online diary, more or less. I can't have a paper diary because it will get read. So here goes..
Sometimes, I don't know why or how, I get this feeling.. I know that's a very Ashecroft-esq statement, but it's true. I get the feeling that I am not me. And that scares me. Every now and then I see the world, my life, through another set of eyes. I see everything and get confused. Is this really my life?? Me? The person who swore up and down that she would never get married OR have kids? No! It's impossible! And it's not like I want to change my life.. I just want to alter it. I have this picture of how I want my life and what I want for my child, and it just seems like I'll never get there. It seems like I have to change a little each day to keep "everyone" happy; but the more I have to change the more the I change. I have to give up little bits of myself until I look in the mirror and all I see is a stranger.
On that note: how can I be the best mother possible if I'm no longer me? How can I teach Riley to love herself above all and never settle for second best if I myself am settling? I can't lead by example, obviously. But the life I need is just outside of my fingertips, and it seems like no matter how much I stretch, I just can't reach it. And here's the worst part of all: I know that if I continue to keep giving up pieces of myself, I'll eventually disappear. I know that if I stay in the situation I'm in right now, I will die. Or end up in prison. Either one or the other is inevitable. But how do I stop it? I can't go anywhere. There's more than one issue stopping me. Believe me. But soon.. Soon I'll be where I need to be, taking care of me and my own. Soon...
Sometimes, I don't know why or how, I get this feeling.. I know that's a very Ashecroft-esq statement, but it's true. I get the feeling that I am not me. And that scares me. Every now and then I see the world, my life, through another set of eyes. I see everything and get confused. Is this really my life?? Me? The person who swore up and down that she would never get married OR have kids? No! It's impossible! And it's not like I want to change my life.. I just want to alter it. I have this picture of how I want my life and what I want for my child, and it just seems like I'll never get there. It seems like I have to change a little each day to keep "everyone" happy; but the more I have to change the more the I change. I have to give up little bits of myself until I look in the mirror and all I see is a stranger.
On that note: how can I be the best mother possible if I'm no longer me? How can I teach Riley to love herself above all and never settle for second best if I myself am settling? I can't lead by example, obviously. But the life I need is just outside of my fingertips, and it seems like no matter how much I stretch, I just can't reach it. And here's the worst part of all: I know that if I continue to keep giving up pieces of myself, I'll eventually disappear. I know that if I stay in the situation I'm in right now, I will die. Or end up in prison. Either one or the other is inevitable. But how do I stop it? I can't go anywhere. There's more than one issue stopping me. Believe me. But soon.. Soon I'll be where I need to be, taking care of me and my own. Soon...
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