"that" feeling

So I guess I'm just going to use this as an online diary, more or less. I can't have a paper diary because it will get read. So here goes..

Sometimes, I don't know why or how, I get this feeling.. I know that's a very Ashecroft-esq statement, but it's true. I get the feeling that I am not me. And that scares me. Every now and then I see the world, my life, through another set of eyes. I see everything and get confused. Is this really my life?? Me? The person who swore up and down that she would never get married OR have kids? No! It's impossible! And it's not like I want to change my life.. I just want to alter it. I have this picture of how I want my life and what I want for my child, and it just seems like I'll never get there. It seems like I have to change a little each day to keep "everyone" happy; but the more I have to change the more the I change. I have to give up little bits of myself until I look in the mirror and all I see is a stranger.

On that note: how can I be the best mother possible if I'm no longer me? How can I teach Riley to love herself above all and never settle for second best if I myself am settling? I can't lead by example, obviously. But the life I need is just outside of my fingertips, and it seems like no matter how much I stretch, I just can't reach it. And here's the worst part of all: I know that if I continue to keep giving up pieces of myself, I'll eventually disappear. I know that if I stay in the situation I'm in right now, I will die. Or end up in prison. Either one or the other is inevitable. But how do I stop it? I can't go anywhere. There's more than one issue stopping me. Believe me.  But soon.. Soon I'll be where I need to be, taking care of me and my own. Soon...