that ominous feeling

So things have gone from bad, to worse. My husband is now a hallucinating drunk that strives to embarrass me in front of our friends. He now wont let me use his phone to call my own mother. He screens the incoming calls for me via voice mail. He is working to further isolate me than what i already am. It's scary.

Last week, out of 7 days 3 of those he came home completely hammered. I'm so tired of the continuously blatant disrespect that is shown to me by my "husband".. The reasons for leaving, or even for staying for that matter, are all becoming moot points. They're all falling away as minor details now. The biggest question now is do I respect myself enough to stop this treatment?  Do I have such little self-respect that i just allow someone that CLAIMS they love me to treat me like dirt? Do I love myself more than him? Do I even love him anymore? Do I love my child more than my husband and can I show her that it's not okay to let people treat you like trash?

....RAGE...

So, I've started therapy. Of course, I was put on medication. I go once a week to try and untangle the web of my past. HA. Things with the husband have gotten worse and worse. Everything is starting to boil down to this one question: do I respect myself enough to make a stand and end the degrading treatment? It all feels so hopeless, like it's never going to get any better. I feel like I'm stuck in a whirlpool and there are no edges for me to try and grab onto. I can't even try to swim parallel to the shore, like in a riptide. I'm slowly being sucked out to sea and there's nothing I can do about it. Even if I try and free myself from it, there's no escape and it's just a matter of time before my strength starts to fail. The only person I really have to talk to is my therapist. I just... I hate my life. I feel so desolate. Everyone tells me I need to get away. Oh, if only it were so easy. I'm losing myself and I don't know if I'll be able to regain any of it when (and IF) I make it through this.