The thunder rolls..

I wish I could get rid of the tension in my stomach. The feeling like I'm forever doing something wrong. I imagine this is how an animal would feel as it braces for the storm of the century. I'm shaking and nauseous. I feel like.. ????????????????????????? I just wish I knew. I can't even BEGIN to describe how frustrating it is to be emotionally retarded.

if i don't understand it, i doubt you will either.

So it's times like these (when i'm ALL alone) that i feel the emotions build up inside of me. What emotion(s) are they/it? I have no idea. I just know that it's there and it needs to go away. I know one of them; it's depression. Why am I depressed? I don't know. What triggers it? I don't know. How do I get rid of it? I don't know.

Things I do know:
1) I hate that I feel out of control.
2) I can't wait to start therapy and/or medication for the anxiety and anger.
3) I'm optimistic about the future, because it can only go up from here.

Everything Changes

So my husband and I are supposed to be "working on things".. "taking things slow".. it doesn't feel like anything is going slow... It feels like I'm being rushed into something I may not want. It always seems like when I give an inch he takes the whole country. He takes advantage of the fact that I want intimacy but won't go outside of our marriage. I'm trying to keep my head clear of outside influence while all this is going on, but it's REALLY hard.

This shit is hard enough with just me in my head.

scared senseless

So as it is now, my husband and I split up. He's currently packing his belongings. How do i feel about this? It depends on which way you look at it.

 First, I feel like a failure. I feel like i've just become a statistic on single mothers. I feel like I let my child down. She's always going to look at me and ask why her father isn't there. How do I explain things to her so she'll understand? She's so confused and my husband is not helping the matter at all. I'm the one that tried to sit and explain to her that even though we still love each other, we need some time to figure out what we want. I try to explain to her that I'll always do what's best for her; even if she doesn't see it right away, I always will.

Next, comes the relief. Maybe now we'll both get the help we need. Me especially. Maybe now I can start to find myself again. Now i don't have to deal with constantly being talked down to and manipulated. He may not realize he does these things, but I do. This is my chance to see if I'm able to be on my own. I think I can do it. I have a line on a job making REALLY good money and i would set my own hours.

I'm not really that upset about being split up. Except for how it affects my child, it really doesn't bother me. If anything, I'll have more freedom because he'll be taking our kid every other weekend.

But for now, I'm optimistic on my future for the first time in a long time. We'll just have to see how everything goes, won't we?

BPD

So, where it stands now, I'm still with my husband. I have actually gone a step further and applied for social security. I have taken a step back from myself to get a good look too. Since i am currently visiting my mom, I've decided to seek counseling when i get home.

I know!! ~gasp~ why on earth would I need therapy??? Well, I've done some research and I've discovered something: I think I have Borderline Personality Disorder. Come to find out, it's commonly confused with BiPolar disorder. Similar, but VERY different. If it turns out that I do have BPD then it would explain a lot. I mean, A LOT. Then i would be able to at least start to fix some of the symptoms. It would explain why I have the feeling of emptiness.. Why my anger is so out of control. It would explain everything in the last 13 years.

http://bpd.about.com/od/understandingbpd/a/whatisbpd.htm

Right Now

I feel like I'm going to explode. Why? No clue. None what-so-ever. I'm tired, but I feel like I need to get out and do something. But I want to go to sleep. Decisions decisions..

But really.. have you ever had a thought so.. horrible, for lack of a better word, that you didn't even want to admit to yourself that you had it? Am I wrong for having those thoughts? I feel like I'm walking through quicksand; but the more I stand still, the faster I sink. Le Sigh..

hefty hefty hefty

This next entry is very shallow and callous of me. I understand that and I'm forewarning you.


I absolutely love that every girl that I went to school with, got HUGE after having their first child. It kind of seems like karmas way of punching them in the face! Every single female that was a bitch to me has gained at least 30+ lbs after having their kid. I have had people that I haven't seen since junior high come up to me in disbelief that I've actually lost weight since I had my daughter. So now while I sit back and just laugh at these bitches I can't help but feel slightly smug.

I went out with some friends this past weekend and some one that went to school with my older brother didn't even recognize me. Once I explained who I was, he kind of looked me up and down with a "daaaaaaaaaammn" kind of look and said, " you really grew up didn't you?!!?" I can't even begin to describe how good that made me feel.